Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Postmaster, please deliver....

Dear Ms. Poopie Head at Walmart,

There is an entrance and an exit to each Walmart store. Both are clearly marked above the door in two languages. Why must you enter through the exit door?

Did you see me pushing my sleeping infant in her stroller? Did you see my two kiddos holding on safely on each side of the stroller? Did you see the bags upon bags of useless items I just purchased, hanging upon every available limb I have?

Why must you speed up and try to race me through the exit door? I will not be so mean as to mention your white trashiness. I am a compassionate woman and try to exchange a smile with you on this hectic shopping day.

Your trashiness was never the issue. Your attitude is the issue. Why must you frown? Are you having a bad day? I try to smile again. Why must you attempt to squeeze through the exit door as you are entering? Are you competitive in nature? Why must you knock over all the bags on my left side causing my extremely accident prone and clumsy Lola to take a spill on the horribly dirty, snow melted, salty encrusted Walmart floor? Why? Why must you snicker out loud to showcase your happiness? Your rude snicker shocked my children and woke up my very rarely napping child.

Would Princess Aurora ever enter through the exit door? Would Aurora ever snicker out loud after causing harm? Don’t you think she would have had the courtesy to help the child off of the floor? Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

Warmly,
Never shopping at Walmart

++++++++++++++

Dear Pompous sales guy at Coach,

I could have shopped online in my Pjs, sipping wine, making choices. But I wanted some real live help. I wanted to feel the purses. I wanted to talk to another human.

Instead, I got dolled up. I wore my cute Burch flats, and even cuter Hudsons that hug my poopcha, I flat ironed my fabulous hair, threw on my very smart Burberry coat, and even attempted to apply makeup to the best of my knowledge. I was going shopping. I was excited for some human contact and even some human conversation.

My girl heart told me to approach you, the only male, also dressed very smart. However, from the moment you opened your mouth I knew you were useless. Why must you act so pompous? Why must you be so incredibly arrogant? Do you work on commission? I am dressed to buy something, see how cute I look? I want something. I have cash in my pocket. See it?

Don’t tell me you “have nothing in THAT price range.” I was online. I know what you have. Don’t tell me that “all the teenage girls wear THIS $500 purse” because… um… they don’t. Don’t snicker and look away when I tell you my price range again. Even in our country $200.00 is a boat load of money and you MUST have a flipping purse for that amount. Yes, see that purse? That beautifully classic and smart baguette. I want that. Don’t tell me that “I believe THAT purse is not in your price range.” Because it is you, pompous head man that works at Coach. Give it to me and wrap it up.


Do you think that Belle, with her Southerly charm, would have made me feel so small? Don't you think Belle would have befriended me and helped me?

Go ahead and apologize. No? Go ahead. No? Give me that flipping beautiful baguette for my cousin. GIVE IT TO ME! You are so not getting any commission off of this sale. Have a very Merry Christmas too.

Warmly,
Only shopping on
www.coach.com

++++++++++++++++++

Dear OHmommy,

You look like a poopie head.

That cold sore on your lip is multiplying and forming into a shape of a poopie. Why must your stress? You know from experience that stress brings on those horrible, not very classy, cold sores that hurt. Now you can’t kiss anyone for at least a week or wear any type of lip gloss. Christmas is in six days. You can't even go ten minutes without kissing one of the three kids. What are you going to do?

Why must you shop in stores and create unwanted stress? Do you think Snow White has cold sores? Probably not, she has porcelain skin. She has seven men that she lives with that take care of her and her skin.

Warmly,
OHmommy that should shop online


16classy comments:

Stephanie said...

HA! Very witty! And sooo true - especially the wal-mart rant!

Irene said...

Very funny.

Yes, Walmart can be interesting, to say the least. Unfortunately, in my rural neck of the woods, it is almost my only local shopping option. Nice huh?

And Coach, well, unfortunately, I don't shop there often. I wish I could. Actually, I only shopped there once, and it was a Coach outlet. And, according to my husband, this purse better last me a good ten years. Which it will. But yeah, snooty sales clerks are the worst.

Kelly said...

I do not understand rude sales people. It's such an oxymoron. It would be like me telling my students, instead of teaching them,
"Me, heres don't believe in edchumacation.Why don't ya all just go outside and play."
Gah!

Kathryn said...

Why must people be so poopie? BAH!
I really have never understood why when people see me carrying a baby with two small children at my side do they still insist on making me be the one to move out of their way. WTF? Manners people!!!!
I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. Hope that nasty cold sore goes away ASAP and the poopie people stay far away from you.

Crystal said...

OHmommy,
So sorry you are not getting kisses right now. Sounds like you need a big one from one of those little kiddos. Maybe a big hug will help?
Bad Wal-mart lady. Coal for you.
Bad Coach man. Coal for you.

MrJourneyman said...

Isn't it amazing how rude people can be? Clearly they are lacking in princess skills. While not a princess myself, I can tell you that Optimus Prime or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have dealt with these disrespectful individuals quite effectively...

If I were a princess or a queen, or, heck, even Optimus Prime, I would order you to NOT stress! Relax, have a glass of wine, and lose yourself in the smiles and laughter of your kids! And rest easy, because Karma has a way of making everything right *grin*...

From your stories and the way you write, it is easy to see why I check out your blog several times a day...I LOVE IT!

Have a FANTASTIC day!!!! Stay warm (it's supposed to get up to around 65 here...*ha ha ha*)... :P

Kellan said...

What great letters - you are so funny and so witty and I love to read your stories! I loved how described how "cute" you looked - ACK - too funny and I'll bet you did.

Thanks for coming by and leaving the nice Birthday with for my Mom - see you later. Kellan

renatamic said...

Dear OH Mommy -

I told you Walmart is bad! Shop Target instead or walmart.com. Man at Coach is a meanie, he joins the ranks of many rude salespeople before him, and unfortunately he isn't the last:-( If you really need to buy something and the salesperson was rude, I always go up to the register and say - "I will buy this, but I don't want My Meanie Pompous Coach-man to get the commision." That usually stabs them right where it counts - their wallet.

Hope your shopping trip to the pharmacy for Abreva is a better experience:-) And remember, hugs work almost as good as kisses!

Love,
IL single

Caroline said...

Ohmommy,

So sorry about your cold sore. So sorry about rude people. So happy it provides you fodder for your blog-oh. So sorry that you couldn't punch them straight in the mouth.

love,
me.

Victoria said...

I expect rudeness at WalMart (seriously, who can really be happy there?) but at my beloved Coach? Say it ain't so. I'm sorry. I love Coachie so.

Poopie heads.

Good luck healing that cold sore, quick!

Melissa said...

I would have gone medieval on the white trash in Walmart. Really, knocking over a kid, wasn't she just the one. I knew when your post started with Poopie Head you were mad!!

As for Coach, what a putz! I think spending $200 on a purse qualifies you for some decent treatment. Not your price range, you should have told him you could feed small starving children in 3rd world countries for months on $200 and yet you chose to buy a beautiful Coach purse with the money...he should have been kissing your butt.

Whew, I feel a lot better now.

As for the cold sores. Two suggestions. Abreva, it's OTC and works well for the hubs. Also when you feel one coming on take L Lysine. It's a supplement that Joe has had a lot of luck with.

Here's hoping you get some down time with a glass of wine and make a few voodoo dolls in your spare time. ;)

Amy said...

I can't believe your bad forturne, well maybe the Walmart story rings true, but snubbed at Coach in Burberry!
I'm flabbergasted!
I hope your stress free on-line shopping chases the cold sore right away.

Rachel said...

Okay, absolutely adorable and hysterical until the last one.
So sorry about that sweetie.
I feel your shopping pain.

Cecily R said...

Will you still like me when you know that the most I have ever paid for a purse is about 20 bucks on sale? That sales man would have taken one look at me and told me to go the heck home. See, I TOLD you that you were far more sophisticated than me!! And you are funny to boot!

Walmart...a necessary evil at my house.

Huckdoll said...

I <3 Coach....

Rob said...

I missed this post while I was in Mexico.

Wonderful stuff!

And even with a cold sore you are still completely adorable so don't worry about it! In fact, that salesman was obviously gay because adorable women would always get first class treatment from a straight guy.

 

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