Friday, March 27, 2009

Mother Fluker

Both my husband and I were on our hands and knees after an exhausting day screaming "Where are those calcium fortified fed crickets?"

What? Where? How? And when did I become this? This. The mother on her knees searching for run-away crickets a mere twelve hours after forking over eight dollars for thirty crickets and two jars of food and vitamins to keep them alive longer.


Flukers. Oh how I wish I never knew that fortified calcium supplements for crickets ever existed.

But it is true. I now know that crickets need vitamins by the name of Flukers to stay alive. When my son purchased "Froggy" with his hard earned money, he and the husband (note that I was not in the picture) learned that Froggy ate crickets to stay alive. But our crickets kept dying.

Long story short... (after visiting the pet shop twice every week for ten crickets in a vacuumed sealed bag, with three kids in tow squealing and dreaming over each and every animal for sale, the begging and pleading for a pet chinchilla named "Chilly" would have to come to an end. I decided to shop alone. Brilliant, I know!) All alone at PetCo I asked the sales associate, "How can I prolong the life of a cricket?" Words I never thought I would utter as a mother.

"By golly. You need Flukers!"

I came home with two jars of Flukers and thirty crickets and for the second time that day I felt brilliant. I stored the crickets in a tightly sealed container and watched them feed off of their organic Flukers. Froggy was pressed against his glass tank salivating. Waiting. All. Day. Looooooooooooong. Waiting for his crickets, that were feeding on their Flukers, contained in a tightly sealed container.

"Where are those crickets?" My husband, not the least bit amused, yelled as I was drawing the kids a bath that later that evening. "In the tightly sealed container!" I yelled back. He entered the bathroom holding up the bottom of the container. Reminiscent yellow goop was glued to the surface and chunks of orange were spewed about. "Where. Are. They?"

That is how my husband and I found ourselves on our hands and knees after an exhausting day screaming "Where are those crickets?" and "who let the crickets out?" Finally in despair I turned to the Feenster and asked her, "Did you open the bugs?"

"Yesh." She fell to the floor in a fit of giggles.

We found most of the crickets tonight. The frog was eventually fed his crickets. And. Tonight I am totally researching recipes for some frog legs.

60classy comments:

rockanddrool said...

gross.
you said crickets. and they look like they are in pickle jars.
ew.

Lisa said...

mother fluckers is right! Good God - I think Froggy needs to go mate outside or something, don't you?

Heidi said...

I think your story to your son should go something like this, "oh yes dear, it IS true that the life expectancy of frogs is only about 2 weeks!" heh

Mr Lady said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!

I can TOTALLY see you doing that. And I salute it!

haniaski said...

OMG :-)

Karen MEG said...

"The frog was fed his calcium fortified Flucker crickets." Say that five times in a row without slipping up ... I'm just cracking up over here. Just fluck it!

Miss said...

Yesh.

HAHAHA. Thats my girl. Love the Feenster!

kristacooks said...

hehehaha! So funny! My mom get's Fluckers for the crickets she feeds her tarantula(she's a science teacher), be happy you're feeding a frog!

:)

Elaine A. said...

Can I just tell you what a GOOD mother you are? 'Cause yeah, me... not sure I would do that for my boy. Okay, maybe.

Kari said...

What a day you had! And, who would have thought that crickets needed vitamins!? That is astounding. I would have looked for all the crickets, too though. Can you imagine all that chirping!? UGH!

Jenni said...

Just a note, along with the Fluckers (which I use), find a local reptile "hole in the wall" kind of place and you will spend MUCH LESS on crickets (and other supplies). I have always found Petco crickets to be much more expensive and much less long lasting. I can buy 3 times as many crickets at my local reptile store AND they have a card for every 7th visit they are free. I pay $1 for 30 crickets...not the price you pay at a chain petstore.

Maggie May said...

this is hilarious!!! and i totally relate. i will never forget the night i stayed up till the wee hours blowing bubbles WITH A STRAW into a malfunctioning tank trying to keep my son Dakota's mini eel alive.

Jeni said...

I laughed the whole way through this post, honey! Too funny, just too darned funny! And it also reminded me of a joke too but I can't put it in here as it is bad, bad, bad -about the princess and the frog and the frog wanting her to kiss him to turn him back into a prince. And of course, the last line shows the princess dining that evening on frogs legs with a pretty off-color comment. But this post is just plain hysterically funny! Love,love love it!

Indy said...

Nothing worse than a lot cricket. They are noisy!

brown eyed girl said...

I was shocked that you said "Mother Flucker" and then realized it was the cricket food, not a curse! Sooo funny!

Krystyn said...

Oh no! Sounds like my dorm room in college. The crickets infested everything. Everything!

I hope you got them all.

Time to find a non-resealable container for 30 crickets. Or, put them on top of the fridge:)

designHER Momma said...

I'm still not sure I totally get it, but fluckers is right. Froggy is lucky he has you...

Immoral Matriarch said...

I love how you added a 'c'to Flukers to make it an honorary curse word. LOL

Burgh Baby said...

Yeah, what Jenni said. If you're shopping at PetCo, you are paying WAY too much. When Lizard Man (my husband) had his whole menagerie going, we were seldom without the lovely sounds of stupid freakin' crickets, but he did manage to get them cheap.

Denise said...

Too funny!

Karen said...

We learned the hard way, too, that the Cricket Keeper needs kept on the top shelf in the closet well out of Micah's reach. Several dozen crickets were happily hopping through the house at Christmas break.

Chiloe said...

Better you than me: I don't like crickets, frog and all some sorts of insects ....

MommyTime said...

I cannot believe you are living with loose crickets. I don't know why, but that would creep me out. You are a more patient mother than I.

Also, I'm catching up on my reading, and I have to tell you that I laughed so loud reading this that my children wanted to know what was going on: ".... just one more thing. Do you enjoy floors so being dirty?"

PLEASE do not ever give your mother my address. She would probably faint at the sight of our dirt. :)

Stephanie said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Bless your heart! Note to self: Never let Chicken near crickets!

Chickadee said...

What a fluking mess disaster...

the planet of janet said...

i *do* believe i warned you ...

a frog is a slippery slope to lizards and snakes and ... CRICKETS.

we used to listen to the lovely chirping of crickets every night FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

gag.

LceeL said...

You know ... you gotta love a kid with a sense of humor. I'm just sayin'.

jewelryandgiftsbyrebecca said...

OMG I sooo needed a good laugh, my weekend is getting of to a not so good start but I'm sure I will have a grin on my face all day long now.
Oh yesh I will!

Kelly said...

Oh no. LOL I do NOT envy the day you had!

Mama Zen said...

Would you believe that I have done this, too? I have to have crickets for the cursed geckos . . .

Nan Patience said...

Your mother is not going to like the language, and even I was a little taken aback. I like being taken aback!

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

This is hilarious! The fact that the food is called Fluckers is just too perfect.

I am P said...

muther flucker, lol, that's a good one! Our frog eats little black pellets that smell like fish... easy breezy!

April said...

Ewww! I would probably freak with 30 Fluker-fortified-crickets on the loose in my house! LOL

~The Shoebox~ said...

I had to share this with my friend, lol. Her nickname is Froggy, hehehe.

Chandra said...

Best title for a post that I have read in a long time! Funny stuff...I really need to read this more often, you never fail to make me laugh!

My Semblance of Sanity said...

I am sorry!
This is a hysterical story!!
I am sorry for laughing!

But I can picture you on your knees peeping under furniture, etc!

It's been a while since I commented, thought it was about time! :)

Good day to come back - you have me giggling already!

Smart A$$ Mom said...

Is the term 'cricket' secret for something else? I am confused...you bought a frog AND crickets?! Let the boy buy some kit kats next time and sigh away all the mother fluckers.

AGSoccerMom said...

LOL they are suppose to taste like chicken.

Jessica said...

UGH! What a mess!

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

And you say you aren't edgey!!!

Clare said...

yucky and funny at the same time!! i hope you find them all:)

Every Day Goddess said...

LOL!! Oh no!! At least you found most of them, when we had them they got lost for weeks in our house. We would find one at random places and times forever! That cricket food is gross. I don't miss the frogs at all ;)

mpotter said...

that is hilarious.
not only the post, and (sorry) your experience...

but someone out there invented vitamins for crickets!?!? who'da thunk?

Crystal D said...

OHyuck I am totally never getting a Froggy. What are those orange things and where do crickets get it in the wild? I imagine there is a tiny Flukers country store hidden in the grass.

Hockeyman said...

The orange ones look tasty actually...

BusyDad said...

Halfway thru this post I started singing "Who let the bugs out! hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo... who let the bugs out..." Fluck me.

3 Peanuts said...

Oh I feel bad for you...Will wanted something that needed to eat crickets and I said NO WAY! hope there are not any strays~ the noise is so annoying:(

Traceytreasure said...

You are so cute! We had frogs in Las Vegas and we kept a separate little habitat for the crickets. We kept them alive by putting a piece of potato in their cage. The crickets are expensive and it's hard to go to the pet store every other day. I've been there. Buy a little cage for the crickets and put a piece of potato in there and they'll be fine! I kept mine at the bottom of the pantry but you can keep yours in the garage if it's not too cold for them there!

Good luck!
Hugs!!

Kat said...

OH NO!! That is crazy! I don't know what I would do if I have 30 crickets loose in my house. Oh my!

You can't make this stuff up. Hahaha! :)

the mama bird diaries said...

Well, at least you know if there are still crickets roaming around you're house, they won't live all that long.

CC said...

This is horrid and gross and I am SO glad it happened to you and not me. ;)

JCK said...

I'm totally creeped out by the idea of crickets!!! Crickets??? Yuck. But, the story was very funny. For you. It would not have been funny for me...

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Oh NO. Not crickets. I hate jumping bugs, but especially crickets and grasshoppers....

Shuddering for you.

carrie said...

That is hilarious, my son had actual crickets for pets...in a little cricket cage - and I NEVER even heard about special food for them, NEVER!

Somebody is making a killing off fancy cricket food, you bet.

Rhea said...

Cricket vitamin supplements?! Holy Fluckers.

My kids wanted a snake...and a tarantula.

Hell, no.

Marinka said...

OMG, you win mother of the century.

anymommy said...

Oh. Oh. My. You are both a saint and the best mommy ever. Seriously. Crickets are never entering my house, nor frogs. I'm struggling with a dog.

Jaina said...

Oh man. I can only hope that I'll be as wonderful a mother as you. At this current moment, I don't think I could allow frogs or crickets in my house. I like Heidi's idea.

Jill said...

This is hilarious... from the name to your daughter letting out all the crickets. My little one would SO do that one too... and laugh her little tushy off (if there was one left after I found all of the crickets). :)

 

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