I have wanted to write *this* post for eleven months now.
July 2008 was the last time that my children modeled. I was never and will never be a stage mom so that statement isn't so profound since I could care less if they ever model again. However, what is profound is the reason behind the sudden demise of their modeling careers.
I blogged about it.
The night before "the" last job I sat before my computer utterly exhausted and vomited words that filled my screen quite naturally. My brutally honest take on modeling ended with one of my usual upbeat epiphanies to fill my soul with rainbows and provide the therapy I needed to continue. I hit publish and crashed, completely unprepared for the day ahead.
The company, whom shall remain nameless and asked that I remove their company name from the original post, got word of my blog by lunch time. I sensed the hemming and hawing coming from the creative arts director during the shoot and the best way to describe the afternoon was awkward.
An hour after leaving the shoot my modeling agency called me. And, I am totally paraphrasing here. "Do you blog?" "You do? Did you write about the shoot?" "You did? Well they aren't very pleased." "They are mad. Very mad." "Do you think you can remove the post?" "No? If you can't remove the post can you remove any mention of the company?" "Ok. Remove the name and do you think you can write a letter of apology? They are very mad."
I ran home and removed the names as my fingers shook in equal fear and amazement. I remember thinking how powerful the internet was if the company was worried about my silly but honest blog post. The post? The only thing edited was the removal of the company. Here it is.
And we haven't had a job since then because I refused to write a letter of apology. Perhaps it was unclassy of me but I didn't feel the need to apologize. For my blog.
The thing is. My daughter mentions modeling all the time. "When am I going to model again?" She asks nearly each month and I have to lie to her, which kills me of course, saying that the Cleveland market is low due to the economy. Heh. And I divert her attention to elsewhere "Oh look shiny lights" while overwhelmed with guilt. Because of my blog.
I did it. I took that happiness away from her. She thrived on the attention and I enjoyed seeing her confidence build. And my blog took that away from her. Sure, I can substitute other things in lue of modeling for the same desired effect but the point remains that my blog did something.
Which is why I choose not to blog about many things.
Because. Oh. Em. Gee... if I did blog about EVERYTHING, this would be a rocking blog. Or not. But you get the point.
Since "the" last modeling job last July I have really censored myself for my children's sake. It's not that I am creating a happy-go-lucky place for my children to read when they are interested. I could link to a gazillion not so happy posts regarding them. It just that this, blogging, is still generally a very new avenue and who knows what might happen.
And so. My blogging mantra for the past year has been just the same as the method of madness I use for conversations. Think before you speak. Will this hurt someone in the future? Words are like toothpaste, once you get it out it is hard to squeeze it back in.
Which means one day, I will have to let my absolutely gorgeous and uber confident children, know that I made a mistake. Which is really good and very real and still breaks my heart. All because of my blog.
But. I still won't write *that* apology to *that* company 11 months later.